audiobook

Saving Christmas – Slay Bells: Episode 4

Previously on Saving Christmas: Slay Bells

Blip ‘Wiry’ Skipperson and his elite team of special forces black ops elves were on a cocoa break when all heckerdoodles broke loose in the workshop. Unknown invaders blew up part of the workshop. Just over twenty four hours until the Big Day, and the Big Man’s Sleigh had been stolen. The team tracked the sleigh on the Global Present-tracking System to an abandoned toy lab facility that hadn’t been in use since the early seventies. The team has explored most of the facility, and found it infested with Naughty toys and wild creatures. They also discovered that Santa’s Sleigh had been here… and has left through a tunnel that the enemy collapsed behind them.

– December 23, 23:48 hours

 

We stood around the blazing corpse of the Wild Pine that Doc had just put out of its misery. I guess since we took out two of them, that would make it not so much a corpse as a copse of Wild Pines.

“Well, we’ve got a job to do and no marshmallows to roast over the fire. Shade, Cambo, report.”

“Nothing too interesting in the gym, boss. Other than the fact that these guys had a leg machine forty years ago. But we don’t have one in our gym back at home base. That totally stuffs coal.”

“Can it. We found Santa’s Sack in there, and another collapsed tunnel. That must have been how they escaped.”

“Tinseltoes!” exclaimed Cambo, “Now we’ll never find them.”

“Take it easy. We stick to procedure. They used this building as a waypoint for some reason. We have to find out why. Now, Bobbi, Tina, check out the rec room. We three have water, we can put out this fire before it spreads. The last thing we need is for this whole place to go up in flames.”

Doc and Shade trooped off, and the three of us pulled out our backup Super Squirter pistols. Elf magic enchants our cartridges so they never run out of ammo, but these things don’t really pack that much of a punch. Salt water is good against ice and snow creatures, acid stings just about anything it hits and can melt through locks if we’re willing to take the time, and the cartridges with spiced rum or eggnog hurt anything that’s anti-Christmas. And if you aim the rum at their mouths, it just might get them drunk too.

The two came back as the fire was slowly guttering out. “Just what it looks like, Boss. Lots of old chairs.”

“Okay. Regroup. We’ve only covered about half of this place. Let’s finish checking out the dorms.”

We went back out into the hall, and took the next door in. We were in a wide hallway with two doors on each side. There were eight dorm rooms in this building, according to the map.

And from the one on our immediate left, we heard sounds. Little ‘scrunch scrunch’ rhythmic sounds. I put up a fist and threw our hand signal that meant ‘keep your weapons ready.’ I eased the door open and poked my pistol into the room.

All I could see was a lot of felt and lace and some scraggly red yarn. And the sound of old rusty bedsprings. The figure standing at the edge of the rusted bunk bed turned around. “Bloody ‘ell… knock fehst! We’re *bleep*in’ busy in ‘ere. Literally!”

A female voice just out of sight said, “Oh, ‘oneycomb, let ‘em watch. Some people like that sort o’ fing.”

I slammed the door shut.

Cambo said, “Was that…”

“Yeah. That was Ragged Rory. And Ragged Raina. Being very, very Naughty.”

I heard Rory’s voice from inside the room, “Damn it all, now I’ve gone and lost it. You get yeh knickers in order, dear. I’ll deal with these bloody peeping toms. It’ll take me a few minutes to get my stuffin’ back into place.”

A moment later there was a click of the door latch, and the doll walked out of the room. “What do you wankers want? The missus and I were trying to enjoy a romantic night togever.” He put a candy cigarette to his embroidered lips and took a drag. Powdered sugar drifted from the end.

“We’re looking for someone. More specifically, we’re looking for something.”

“Yeah yeah, I know what you wankers want. A bunch o’ ugly buggers came frough here with a nice shiny lookin’ sleigh. Information like that’s gotta be worff somethin’. How ‘bout you cut me a deal that’s worff my while.”

I just crossed my arms. I didn’t have anything the little yarnball wanted, and I didn’t have time to play good elf/bad elf. Shade took my cue, and pulled out a cleaning cloth. Then she took out her ice axe and started wiping the Wild Pine sap off of the blade.

Ragged Rory tried to cross his arms and stare me down, but I saw his button eyes flicker over in Shade’s direction. “Look, all I’m askin’ for is a little kickback maybe. Somefin’ that’ll benefit me somehow in all of this.”

“And all we need is some information, and then we’ll go away and leave you and your lady friend in piece. As opposed to what we usually do to toys that go Naughty.”

“Now just a bleedin’ minute! I ain’t like the rest of ‘em. Me and Raina, we ain’t violent or nuffin. We just want to be left alone!”

Shade dripped a bit of sap on the floor.

“All right, look, they used this place as a stopover. There used to be a bunch o’ old tunnels that ran between all of the outlyin’ workshop buildings and the main hub, way back in the day. But some of ‘em have fallen in over time. So they had to pop up here on the surface. Came out of a cave not too far from here. Popped back into the cave system here in this building. But I’ve done my fair share of exploring before me and Raina found this place. I know exactly where that cave leads.”

“I’m listening.”

“There’s an old elf town, used to be busy and bustling with activity. Back before you wankers all switched to conveyer belts and machines, back when they needed three times as many elf-hours of work to get the same amount done. It’s backed up against a mountain, so it doubled as an extra workshop and a coal mine. But when the coal ran out, and you lot centralized your operations, it went dark. Everybody moved out. That’s where they took the sleigh.”

Shade finished cleaning her ice axe and tossed the sap-covered rag aside. “Got a location?”

“No, but there’s a map. Over in the visitor’s room.” Rory tossed his candy cigarette onto the floor and stepped on it.

I said, “Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.”

We left the dorms as a group and closed the door behind us. As we were closing the door, we heard Rory say, “Bloody wankers… oh, look. My stuffing’s back in order. Oi! Raina! You ready for round two?”

The door clicked closed, and I was very glad that it was a thick door. Because one by one, we burst out laughing. I think Cambo or Doc started it, I’m not sure. But it spread, and pretty soon four of us were trying not to fall on the ground.

“What are you guys laughing about?” asked Longshot, “That was horrifying! I think I saw… never mind. I don’t want to think about what I saw when you opened that door.”

We finally calmed down, and I started picking the lock to the entrance anteroom. It took me a little work, since I still had occasional twitches due to laughter hiccoughs. Once we got in, the room was just as horrid as it had looked from the outside. Ugly carpet, old faded posters for ugly toys, and a broken down desk decorated the room. The door to the visitor’s waiting room was unlocked. I pushed the door open, and it creaked loudly.

The wall in the far corner looked like something had gnawed a hole in it. But the ugly little doll was telling the truth. Above it was a map of the area, an old map. When I got close, something large, gold, and shiny popped out of the hole in the wall and chittered at me.

“Gyah! Humbug!” I yelled.

I could already hear Cammy switching her ammo to coal rounds, and I knew in a second or two Longshot was going to have his ammo switched out for armor penetrating spearmint crossbow bolts.

But the thing was right in front of me, so I had to act. A staple, aimed right at its face made it rear back. I was aiming for the sensitive antennae, but the thing wouldn’t hold still.

I backpedaled, holstering my industrial strength staple gun and pulling out my workshop mallet. If I couldn’t shoot through the thing’s carapace, then I was gonna have to squash me a bug.

Right on time, I heard Benji’s crossbow ‘twing’ and the creature sprouted a new green, red, and white candy cane swirled limb in its shoulder. And then Cambo’s coal round hit it at full force, stunning it. A cloud of coal dust spread from the impact, and while it was stunned I ran forward and bashed it on the top of its shell.

Its legs skittered out from under it, splaying around it from the force of the impact. Then it breathed in the coal dust, and I knew it was all over. It twitched and tried to clamber back into its nest. But it was too late. A creature of pure greed and Naughtyness just breathed in coal dust. The punishment we give to the Naughty. It got halfway back into its hole, then it collapsed. The grasping legs twitched a few more times, and then it stopped twitching entirely.

 

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of Saving Christmas – Slay Bells.

 

 

A note from the creator:

Howdy folks, this is Hugh. I’m the one who writes, records, and makes the soundtracks for this podcast. I had hoped to finish rerecording and remastering Saving Christmas in time for at least the new year, but since I’m uploading episode 4 or 11 on January second, obviously that didn’t happen.

My day job at the moment is a retail one, and things got a bit crazy around Christmas. Even though I’ve done this for the last few years while I was trying to finish my degree, I forgot just how draining holiday retail work really is, and I didn’t get nearly as much done as I would have liked. So I’m continuing on, hoping to finish Saving Christmas in the next couple of weeks. After that, we’ll start what I hope will be my regular programming for quite some time. I write pulp. Sci-fi, fantasy, murder mysteries, I write adventure potboiler pulp. During the early days of publishing, pulp got popular because it was addictive, fun, and cheap to print. Now that the internet makes it entirely free to distribute, serialized fiction has been making a bit of a comeback, and I’m hoping to add my contribution to the fun.

At the moment, I’ve got three big pulp projects in the works. A pirate fantasy adventure on the high seas, a murder mystery featuring a werechicken detective, and a cyberpunk street runner action story. I’m sure you won’t need too many clues to guess which of the three inspired the name of this website and podcast.

I’m not sure which one will kick off my regular serials, but the one that’s closest to being ready to publish is the pirate one, so hopefully in a month or two I’ll be bringing you guys an epic adventure on the high seas. There’ll be enough blood shed to make this one be rated Arrrrr. But first, tune in sometime in the next few days for the next episode of Saving Christmas: Slay Bells.

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Saving Christmas – Slay Bells: Episode 3

Previously on Saving Christmas: Slay Bells

Blip ‘Wiry’ Skipperson and his elite team of special forces black ops elves were on a cocoa break when all heckerdoodles broke loose in the workshop. Unknown invaders blew up part of the workshop. Just over twenty four hours until the Big Day, and the Big Man’s Sleigh had been stolen. The team tracked the sleigh on the Global Present-tracking System to an abandoned toy lab facility that hadn’t been in use since the early seventies. When they entered the facility, the team came face to face with a group of toys who had gone bad.

– December 23, 23:23 hours

 

I know we at the North Pole have the reputation for being nothing but Nice, but every now and then there’s an outbreak of Naughty. It usually hits the toys first. We never know why, but sometimes, toys just go Naughty.

The ring of five porcelain faced dolls stared at me. And I couldn’t look away. I was rooted in one spot. Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter how tough you are. When you look into the glassy eyes of Naughty, the Naughty looks into you.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could hear my team yelling.

But in front of me, all I could see and hear was the ring of dollies. Staring. Saying, “Come play with us.”

A strong hand grabbed each shoulder of mine and yanked me backwards. The next thing I knew, I was looking at the ceiling. As soon as my brain unmushed itself and started cranking away again, I heard a loud ‘thunk’, and a following ‘clop’ on the other side of the door. I looked up, and saw the blade of a knife sticking out of the door.

“What the reindeer dung was that?” I asked.

“Jacknife-in-a-box,” said Shade, “I read about them. Nasty little things. They can spring across the entire room, and they’ll do it just to get a chance at stabbing you in the face.”

“That thing would have stuffed my stocking. Thanks,” I said as I sat up, “How’s about we leave that room alone.”

Cambo chomped down on her candy cane. “How’s about we open up the door again and toss in some T-4.”

“Bad idea. Don’t want to alert the enemy.”

Cambo sneered, “Yeah, well anything Naughty is the enemy.”

“Can it, Cammy. We’ve got a mission to do. The mission comes first.”

As soon as I was upright, I threw another hand signal, and Shade slipped south down the corridor. Longshot trailed after her, his candy cane crossbow ready to provide whatever cover she might need.

Before I followed them, I took a moment to use my lock picking tools to relock the door. No sense in taking any chances. You never know if a toy is smart enough to figure out a doorknob or not. But I didn’t want to take a chance.

The east hallway we were in turned right and headed across the southern third of the building. The southern section of the building was all dorm rooms. This was where the workers and toy lab scientists lived. Shade stopped when she got to the first of the three large doors along the southern wall of the corridor. She clicked her radio.

Something was in there.

I slipped ahead to unlock the door, but when I got there I saw that this door didn’t even have a lock. It was just a large, loose swinging double door. There had been a sign on the wall next to the door, but it had fallen off the wall at some point in the last forty years and it was stuck in the snow and ice that had accumulated along the edge of the wall.

Shade opened the door, and we filed in, silently.

There was no one in sight. We were in a long room, about fifteen by forty. I could see through dirty windows that the room to our right was a cafeteria, and to our left it looked like one of the rooms had a lot of old gym equipment, and the other had a load of old rotted out comfy chairs, some bookshelves, and a movie projector.

At the end of the long room were a pair of Christmas trees. Lush, dark green trees. Just standing there. There was no one in sight.

We prowled around the room, but there was nothing.

“Sorry boss,” said Shade, “I could have sworn I heard something.”

The trees rustled in the breeze.

“Well, since we’re here, we might as well check out this section,” I said. “Shade, Cambo, check out the rec room. Doc, Longshot, come with me and check out the cafeteria.”

The cafeteria was about what you’d expect. Lots of tables. The kitchen along the back was separated from the rest of the room by a half-wall and a counter that you could serve food over.

“Hey boss, you think the pasta’s still good?” Longshot held up a can with a faded label.

“Trick question,” said Doc Bubbly, “The pasta was never good to begin with.”

Longshot poked his head into the walk-in freezer, which, up here in the North Pole, is just a door to a drafty uninsulated room. “Um… boss, you may wanna check this out.”

There was a ramp down. It had been blown up and collapsed, just like the one back in the main workshop. And next to the rubble was a familiar red bag. We’d found Santa’s Sack. Now all we needed was the sleigh.

I left a radio tag on the sack. If we didn’t make it back in time, the rescue teams would be able to find it as soon as the storm cleared up enough for radio contact.

We made our way back out, and Cammy and Shade were waiting for us. “Nothing here,” said Cammy, “We were waiting for you guys to check out the rec room.”

She started to saunter towards the door in the back of the room next to the two Christmas trees.

One of the pines rustled in the breeze.

We were indoors. And we hadn’t just opened any doors. There was no breeze.

“Cambo, duck and cover!” I yelled, but it was too late. Those weren’t Christmas trees, those were Wild Pines. Before Cammy could react, the tree spun at high speed and branch-slapped her so hard that she flew back across the room.

Always on target, Longshot fired. The sharpened candy cane hit dead center, scoring a hole in the tree’s trunk and sticking fast. Sap dripped from the wound, but a little poke isn’t going to stop a Wild Pine. Two of them was going to be a tall order. And elves have never been big on height.

Doc panicked, and threw a bottle of medicinal hot buttered rum at the trees. It splashed, covering one of them with something that smelled absolutely delicious, but now wasn’t the time to indulge. The tree panicked and tried to shake it off. Anything that’s anti-Christmas gets hurt by our Christmas juju just as much as we get healed by it.

We’ve got nothing against them, but Wild Pines think that we’re their mortal enemies. They blame us for the yearly massacre of their brethren in the name of our holiday. They’re not actually Naughty. If anything, their problem is that they think we’re the Naughty ones.

But now wasn’t a time to try and negotiate. Now was a time to chop us down a tree. I pulled out my wooden workshop mallet and charged. I got a solid hit in, and broke off a few branches. But the Wild Pine just spun around again, and sent me flying back onto my cinnamon buns. While I was on my behind, I heard a yell from what was usually our quietest teammate.

“Hey, you ugly sons of birches!” shouted Shade, “I’m gonna cut you down to size!”

Shade specializes in what she calls ‘defrosting.’ Most of her weaponry is made to do maximum damage to ice and snow creatures. But the ice axe she keeps on her belt as a backup weapon can do plenty of damage to wood too. She charged in, ducking under the tree’s wild spin, and chopped squarely into its trunk. It shrieked, a sound I don’t care to describe, and tried to knock her back.

But Shade is anything if not tenacious. She grabbed the incoming branch and cracked it in two. Then she yanked the axe out of the wood and hit it again. And again. The other Wild Pine tried to get around it, but Shade was too quick for it. She chopped a fourth time, and the tree toppled over, creaking in pain.

Then our next quietest team member shouted something that I never thought I’d hear her say. “Fire in the hole!”

Shade took the cue and jumped back out of range. I saw Doc Bubbly toss a soda can at the remaining tree. It trailed brown liquid through the air, then splashed on the ground in front of the Wild Pine, adding a cola smell to the already delicious hot buttered rum and fresh pine smells that were now permeating the room.

Then I saw Doc open up a packet of FizzChunks and throw them into the puddle leading to the tree. For someone who is supposed to do no harm, the Doc sure has a mean streak in her.

The FizzChunks and the soda started a chain reaction. A string of tiny explosions ran along the trail until it got to the tree. The tree that was soaked in hot buttered rum.

I’ve never heard a pine tree scream like that before. And as long as I live, I never want to hear it again. It wasn’t pretty.

“I love the smell of burning pine and hot buttered rum,” said Cambo as Longshot helped her back to her feet, “It smells like… Christmas.”

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of Saving Christmas – Slay Bells.

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Saving Christmas – Slay Bells: Episode 2

Previously on Saving Christmas: Slay Bells

Blip ‘Wiry’ Skipperson and his elite team of special forces black ops elves were on a cocoa break when all heckerdoodles broke loose in the workshop. An explosion rocked the workshop, and the facility was invaded by a score of toy soldiers and a few ice-covered monstrosities known colloquially as ‘spikecicles.’ The team, acting with trained precision, took the enemy down. Hard.

– December 23, 23:12 hours

 

Whoever the invaders were, they really stuffed our stockings. The medical facilities were overrun with injured elves. The medics ran out of tinsel for stitches within five minutes of the attack, and they had to send half of our uninjured elves to go through the workshops and take down all the tinsel from the trees to use for stitches. The rest of the uninjured were sent down to tend the ribbon worms, just in case we did run out of tinsel and they had to resort to curling ribbon. Ribbon worms spin cocoons of curling ribbing before they transform into wrapping paper flies. We harvest the ribbon for use around the workshop.

“I’m not going to lie, ladies and gentlemen, this is not good news,” said General Pepperpants. “Whoever these invaders were, they cut a straight line through our defenses. The attacks you faced were just distractions. They got exactly what they came after. They took the Big Man’s fully prepped sleigh, and then trashed the backup sleighs on their way out.”

“Alpha team, we need you at helipad B. Your mission coordinator will be Sergeant Crumbles. Beta team, we’ve got some high-speed recon snowmobiles at tunnel entrance 3. Your mission coordinator will be Sergeant Buttermilk. We don’t know what we’re facing, boys and girls, so just be ready to take on whatever Naughtiness lies ahead. There’s no time to waste, grab your gear and get in gear!”

“Whoever the invaders were, they came in through some abandoned tunnels that used to lead to old facilities like this one. Then they collapsed the tunnel behind them.”

We could barely hear the mission coordinator over the headsets. Soundproofing can only do so much before the sound of helicopter rotors just decides to take a shortcut through your skull and rattle your eardrums from the inside, like a loosely wrapped present in the hands of a curious borderline Naughty.

“We picked up a blip on the Global Present-tracking System in this location a few minutes ago,” he was saying, “This facility has been abandoned for almost fifty years. All the toys produced here were phased out over time. There shouldn’t be any activity here, and the only explanation for the presence of presents here is the stolen sleigh. There’s a windstorm coming, and it’s whipping up the snow something fierce. Line of sight and communications will be a little shorter range than usual.”

“Whatever’s there, we’re ready,” I said. My team didn’t need to say anything. They were with me one hundred percent. We’re the best of the best. The elite. The Elf Special Forces. “We will do whatever it takes to get the Big Man’s ride back to base before the big day.”

I turned to my team. Cambo was checking her ammo pouches, even though I saw her check it before we left and right after we got into the air. She’s nothing if not thorough. Shade and Longshot were going over their weapons too. Shade was polishing her ice picks to a perfect gleam, and Longshot was looking over his candy cane crossbow with his perfect eagle eye, making sure there were no scratches or dings in the wood or the bowstring. Last, but not least, was Doc Bubbly. She was wrapping red and green ribbon around her hands, preparing for whatever work she might be called on to do. I nodded to the team. Maybe Beta team does pep talks before missions, I don’t know. I never saw the need. My team knows we’re the best. We know we have to win, or else Christmas won’t happen.

And there’s not an elf alive who would let that come to pass. My team and I would rather be gift wrapped alive and mulled over the fireplace than be the one to drop the ball on this one.

The chopper set down on an old cracked road. It hadn’t been repaved or used in a very long time. We all hopped out, and the chopper lifted back up again. The wind was already starting to pick up and toss the snow around, and as soon as the chopper was out of range, the snow started taking back the wide circle of empty road that the chopper’s downthrust had cleared off.

“Keep in touch. We’ll do what we can to stay within radio contact during the storm.”

Through the wind-whipped snow, we could see a large building ahead of us. They hadn’t had time to find the keys in storage, but that’s okay. Between the five of us, we can figure out how to get the doors open ourselves.

We followed the road to the abandoned workshop. Long-lived ice in the cracks glittered like tinsel. It was obvious the place hadn’t been used since at least the seventies. The windows were cracked, and what little peeling paint there was left on the walls was that ugly dull brown that they used to paint everything back then. I would have been willing to bet the carpets inside were orange. Or dull green. The front of the building faced west. Not that cardinal directions mean a whole lot this close to the North Pole.

Once we got close, Shade kneeled down and looked at the ground. “Boss, look here! In the lee of the building.”

Sure enough, where the building protected the snow from the wind there was a pair of sleigh tracks. Leading right up to the front door of the building.

The front doors had a padlock on them. On first glance, it looked like it was rusted shut over time. But on closer inspection, we could see where it had been oiled. It had been used recently. Cambo could easily blow the lock, but if there’s anyone hiding inside, that might blow our cover. Naughty kids may open their presents early, but I didn’t want any Naughties to find out about our presence here. I could have used an acid cartridge in my Super Squirter pistol that I keep as a backup weapon, but that would have taken too long. Longshot boosted me up so I could peek in the window. It was worse than I thought. The carpet was a mishmash of orange, brown and green fibers. It looked like the late sixties had thrown up in there. Gross.

According to the old map they dug out of the filing room, the front door opened up into an anteroom, with a door on the north end of the room for visitor tours and focus group testing, and a big Employees Only double door on the south end. The desk inside was old, and leaning at an angle. The walls were covered in posters for popular toys in the fifties and sixties. No signs of movement. No signs of habitation either. But there was a little bit of snow on the ground, tracked in by someone. Or something.

I threw a hand signal, and while I climbed down from Longshot’s shoulders, Shade slipped on ahead to recon.

A moment later I lost her in the snowy air. Her snow camo is excellent, and when it comes to disappearing, so is she. We moved slowly as a group around the building. The windows on the side were all cracked, but none looked like an easy target for a silent break-in. I checked the map they gave us. It looked like our best option was the back door. No surprise there. The back door is usually the best option.

When we got there, Shade appeared from around the corner. “We’re clear,” she said quietly, just loud enough to hear over our radios over the sound of the wind. My team fell into formation and covered me as I pulled out my multitool and started to work on the lock.

Once I was done, I pulled out an oil can and gave the hinges a once-over. We had to do this silently. No point in taking chances.

Shade slipped inside, as silently and subtle as her namesake.

A moment later we heard a click on the radio. That was a basic warning. There was someone, or something, in there with her.

A crunch sound echoed down the hall, then we heard a double click on the radio. Shade reappeared at the door. “Another spikecicle. Looks like it made a nest in one of the corners, it was just wandering around the hall. I heard some movement in the old toy labs though. Should check it out.”

The two toy labs took up most of the center of the building, with a focus group testing room on the north end of each one, and a focus group observation room running down the middle between them. One way mirrors kept anyone in the focus group testing rooms from knowing if and when they were being observed. The back door to Toy Lab B and Focus Group Testing Room B were right there in the hallway.

I kneeled down to fiddle with the lock, and sure enough, I could hear some rustling inside there too. And occasionally, there was a faint ‘clop’ sound. It took a minute, but eventually the lock clicked, and I eased the door open.

The room was covered in work tables and benches, with old tools strewn willy-nilly around the room. On the far side of the room, I saw a toy soldier, its joints squeaking with age, patrolling back and forth. A nasty looking jack-in-the-box was hopping from table to table, and every time it jumped I heard the sound of a switchblade opening and closing, right before the loud ‘clop’ of it landing on the next table. And sitting in a ring right in front of me were five dollies with cracked porcelain faces. They were holding hands.

As one, they turned to face me. They didn’t move. They just turned their heads.

“Come play with us,” came a chorus of cracked childlike voices.

I was frozen in their gaze, like a reindeer in headlights. All I could manage to say was, “Oh Jingle Bells.”

 

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of Saving Christmas – Slay Bells.

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Saving Christmas – Slay Bells: Episode 1

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and through the Workshop,
Every creature was stirring
And machines went ‘Pop pop’.
The elves bustled about,
Not a care in the world
For the dawn of Christmas day
Would soon be unfurled.
Then from the south quarter,
There rose such a shout
A dozen elves screamed,
“Guards, come help out!”
We sprang from our cocoa break
As quick as could be,
But clouds of dust
obscured all we could see…

December 23, 22:32 hours

So there we were. Just over 24 hours until the sleigh was scheduled to depart for the Big Guy’s yearly mission. When out of the present-wrapping blue, there was an earth shattering blast.

I managed to set my cocoa down before I grabbed my pistol, but Cammy didn’t even bother. She had her gun up and ready, and her cocoa left a brown trail in midair that didn’t hit the ground until she had already gotten to the door. By the time I poked my head and my gun out the door, she had already gotten cover behind a conveyer belt and lined up a shot.

All I could see was dust and dirt in the air. There were a few worker elves coughing and stumbling around. And a lot of shouting in the dust cloud.

Then I heard the footsteps. Tin feet, clanking on the concrete floor of the factory. And out of the dust, a line of them came.

Toy soldiers. I haven’t seen bleeping toy soldiers in years. They went out of vogue back when I was still in tactical training. But I’d been warned. Those pop guns can give you a nasty black eye, then when you’re stunned they like to run up and fillet you with those cheap tin bayonets.

“Wiry, get to cover!” Cammy yelled over the din, “I’ll take these buckos out!”

I nodded, and rolled out of the doorway. While I was rolling, I heard the distinct ‘phut’ sound of Cammy’s marshmallow gun. Instead of the crunch of a hit, I heard a soft ‘thwip’ of her round sticking to an enemy.

Oh, jingle bells. She was using T-4 rounds in an enclosed space again. That girl mixes her own taffy and C-4 to make the rounds extra sticky… and rumor has it that she puts a little something extra in there to give it a bigger kick.

When the dust cleared again, there were tin limbs and torsos littering the warehouse. But the bigger dust cloud still obscured everything beyond this part of the toy factory. And we were still hearing screams.

Something glittered in the dust, but I held my fire. Plenty of elves here get covered in glitter, it’s a job hazard. Especially in the ornament division, and that was right next door.

But this wasn’t no toymaker. It was a blob of snow, with jagged bits of ice instead of teeth. More jagged bits of ice covered it all over. On the surface you’ll get what we call blobs. They’re just little blobs of animated snow. Mindless, vicious, but ultimately soft and harmless. Proto snowmen, maybe. The science division can never figure out where they come from. The wild herds of snowmen avoid them. But every now and then you get one that’s too dumb and stubborn to find shelter in the summer. When they’re out in the white nights, bits of them melt and refreeze. Instead of soft, blobby harmless snow, they develop spikes. We call these guys spikecicles.

Not so harmless. And the three others that slid out of the dust cloud looked equally unfriendly.

How in Kringle’s salty nuts did they get inside the building?

One of the workers was on the ground, frantically trying to crawl away. I took a quick snap shot with my pistol, but the industrial strength staple just chipped off a chunk of ice. To my left, I saw Cambo pop the T-4 clip out of her gun and pull out a clip of rock salt rounds. She’s efficient and she knows her fizzle, but I didn’t know if she could reload in time to save the worker.

With a sudden ‘twing’ and a matching ‘kerthunk’, a peppermint crossbow bolt embedded itself in the chunk of ice that the spikecicle uses as a brain. Its snowy eyes crossed, and it crumbled apart on the concrete.

Shade popped up out of nowhere and jabbed her ice picks into two more of the mean little snow cones. One of them collapsed, but the other one just roared and tried to shoulder check her into the wall. She took the hit as if it were nothing, and used the momentum to tear the ice pick out of the icy skull of the dead one. A few well placed pokes, and this one went down too.

That leaves one. And all I’ve got is my industrial strength staple gun.

Then I heard a click from my left, and Cammy popped up out of cover with her freshly loaded marshmallow gun.

The gun made a hollow pop, and the chunk of rock salt embedded in the spikecicle turned it into nothing more than a chunky wet spot on the concrete.

And that was it. The attack was over. There wasn’t any kind of silence, like you see in the movies. Elves were crying. Some machines were still running unattended. I looked around. In the doorway to the break room was Longshot, our sniper, holding his candy cane crossbow steady. I don’t know how in heckerdoodles Shade got past us, she was right there in the break room with me when the ruckus started. But that’s what she’s there for. To get past the enemy defenses and hit ‘em when their backs are turned.

She kicked at the spikecicle bodies to make sure they were dead. “Anybody got a peppermint? I’m bleeding a little. I’d hate to ruin my snow camo.”

“Hang on a minute.” came a familiar voice. Our medic, Doc Bubbly had already managed to squeeze past Longshot and was tending to the wounded. She pulled a peppermint out of her med kit and tossed it to Shade.

“Thanks Doc.” Tina Toodles, or Shade as we called her, wiped off her blades and then popped the mint into her mouth. I could see the bleeding already starting to slow.

We may not be happy little toymakers, but we’ve got just as much Christmas spirit as any other elf. The quickest way for us to heal up is to expose ourselves to positive Christmas juju. Downing a peppermint or a shot of hot buttered rum usually fixes us right up, unless we’re really hurt.

The PA system crackled, “Attention, all workshop employees. The attackers seem to have fled, it is safe to come out of hiding. Medical staff are being disbursed to help. All security and special forces, come to meeting room B for emergency dispatch. I repeat, all security and special forces are to report to meeting room B for emergency dispatch.”

I nodded to my team. “Our lockers are on the way. You’d better not take more than thirty seconds to grab your gear. Doc, hurry up what you can, then follow us.”

Stay tuned for episode 2 tomorrow!

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Serial vs. unstructured writing

Lately I’ve been getting more and more into the idea of serials, and perhaps even seriously podcasting audiobook/audiodrama versions of serial fiction. I’m actually contemplating finding other writers and voice-over people and actually getting into serious online publishing. The internet seems like a fertile place for serial fiction, especially following the model of a lot of the old pulp style productions. After all, there’s almost no cost at all to just hosting a website and posting podcasts, then publishing the final audiobooks and ebooks online.

Most recently I’ve been spending a lot of time editing and doing some rewriting for my NaNoWriMo novel, and I’m tweaking the structure of it to fit better with audiobook or serial publishing. At first it had the kind of fractal structure where the basic rise and fall of the action was mirrored all the way down from having four major plot points or scenes in a chapter, four chapters per act, four acts per book, and all the way up to having four books in this series eventually. Of course, since I wasn’t intending to serialize it at first, each chapter segment was a somewhat arbitrary and random length, ranging from 800 to nearly 2000 words. The longest chapter was about 6k words, the shortest about 4k. I’ve recut some scenes, rewritten some others, and eventually gotten a much steadier pace. 1200-1800 words per section. Judging from my experience with doing the Saving Christmas audiobook, these will make for a good 6-10 minutes of audio each.

I honestly don’t know if this will end up being an improvement or detriment to the story. It definitely changes the flow to a much steadier pace. And it’s forced me to flesh out some sections that were a bit more skeletal than they should have been, while trimming back or moving some other scenes that made another section too full. But I’m happy with what I’ve done so far, so hopefully that counts for something.

Unfortunately, if I only do a weekly post/podcast with the chapters in quarters, that means it will take 64 weeks to get the entire thing out. That’s more than a year of podcasting, just for one novel. Doing two or three chapters a week would leave each week with hanging chapter bits, unresolved plots, and generally wouldn’t fit the shape of the story well. So if I am going to podcast it, the only real option would be to do an entire chapter a week.

I’ve been tooling around with the idea of actually doing up to seven daily podcasts, one for each day of the week focusing on a different genre of pulp-style storytelling. However, since I go to school full time and work part time, I simply wouldn’t have the time to do them all myself. Which means that I would definitely want to find other writers and voice-over people to work with. Writers who enjoy working within the structure of serial fiction, making self-enclosed bits short enough to fit well into a short audiobook/audiodrama snippet, but make up a part of a larger whole. Voice-over people who enjoy either doing storytelling style narration or doing character voices for audiodrama.

At the moment, all I’d really have to do to get started is to find a few people to work with who share an interest in these things. People who don’t mind taking a risk on doing some work that may or may not actually earn any money. Pick a few possible days/genres to start. And go with it.

And there’s the rub right there. I’d love to actually get into a solid, serious bit of publishing online. Something that will connect readers/listeners with writers, and let them share what they make and enjoy. Serial fiction is growing on the internet. But so far, few people have been able to actually make any money with it. I want to help writers get paid. I think trying an approach like this, podcasting, then selling the final books/seasons/whatever you want to call them to the people who enjoyed them as they were broadcast. Not too dissimilar to how TV stations make extra money by selling season boxed sets of DVDs after the season finishes.

I know I’m going to get into publishing in some way, shape, or form eventually. Since I also do role playing game design, I will have to find some way to get my role playing sourcebooks published. So I am going to have some kind of publishing company, even if it’s just a company name with only me behind it, to publish. Why not get a jump on things by starting now with the fiction that I have ready to go, instead of waiting until I have finished and fully tested role playing games?

I don’t have particularly good spam filters for my site at the moment, so I haven’t been allowing any comments. So if you are a writer interested in bringing back a modern version of pulp serial fiction and/or voice over artist interested in narrating, acting, or hosting a show and you are interested, find me on twitter or facebook.

I haven’t gone into great detail about some of the ideas I have for my podcast and publishing here, just a general overview. I don’t want to put my entire business idea out there for someone better equipped than I to steal and beat me to the punch. But I have started putting out some feelers to other writers to see if people are interested, so I figured it would be best to at least lay a few cards on the table here on my personal website.

I’ve been neglecting my blog…

but not my writing. After NaNoWriMo, I managed to keep the momentum going for a bit. I was still writing Saving Christmas: Slay Bells, which has now finished. Right up until I got a nasty cold that killed my voice I was recording audiobook chapters, and I’m just now getting back into that. I’m really enjoying doing audiobook serial installments, to the point where I’ve been considering doing a regular podcast of whatever it is that I’m writing.

I’ve been continuing to work on Murder Most Fowl as well, although that’s going a bit slower than I had originally intended. I think I’m going to start releasing it along with an audiobook version at the same time. That way I can use the audiobook recording as a way of editing it before releasing it, much like I had been doing with Saving Christmas up until I got that cold.

And, since it’s been almost two months now, I think it’s time for me to get back into my NaNoWriMo novel and work on finishing the last two chapters, and doing rewrites for all of the previous ones.

This could end up being a lot of work that I make for myself.

It could also end up being well worth the effort.

NaNoWriMo is DoneForNow

I didn’t finish the novel itself, and I’m taking a little breather before I dive back in and do the ending. I got 7/8ths of the way through my outline, which put me at about 71,000 words if I recall correctly. So I ‘won’ NaNo, but I still haven’t finished my first novel.

Still, I am taking a breather on that to keep up with my serials. My fan fiction updated four times this week, and I decided to do a big shocker on my return to that. My favorite review so far on that work is just one word: “WHOA!”

And I’ve managed to keep Saving Christmas: Slay Bells updated once a week, save for Thanksgiving week which I felt was an inappropriate time to update it. I didn’t have the free time to record the audiobook for the last two chapters, so I’m hoping to catch up with that. And I’m hoping to make audiobook recording a more normal thing, because I’m thinking about podcasting all of my serial work. It probably won’t happen for at least a few weeks, possibly not until the new year. But I’ve got a decent microphone now, and I’m getting a feel for it.

So, I’m backing off from the grind of NaNo to get my nose back in line for the grind of… well, everything else I’ve been working on lately. :)

A birthday update…

On my birthday, I managed to finish editing and uploading the fourth audiobook chapter of Saving Christmas: Slay Bells, and finish Chapter 3 of my NaNoWriMo project, which put me at just over 15,000 words.

The next day I had expected to have a full day at home to work. But I got a call from my boss, asking me to come in and cover a shift. I needed the money, so I said yes. I didn’t get home until about 4:30 in the afternoon.

By I had finished chapter 4, which put me at just over 20,000 words. The first act of my NaNoWriMo project is done. After only getting back into writing for about two months, I’ve managed to write over 95,000 words split among various project. Although, I do have to admit, I may have cheated a bit and reused a few words here and there.

I hope I can keep up this pace, because my outline puts my NaNoWriMo project at a little over 80,000 words. And I would very much like to finish it before the post-Thanksgiving rush at my day job.